


Deal?

by Providence26



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Beginnings, F/F, Halloween
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-08
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-01-24 23:43:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,016
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21346732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Providence26/pseuds/Providence26
Summary: Ends and beginningstw: reference to suicide by cop
Relationships: Olivia Benson/Alexandra Cabot
Comments: 12
Kudos: 19





	1. Chapter 1

Olivia Benson settled into the booth with her glass of wine, it had been a long, but laughter and sugar filled afternoon of trick or treating with Noah, Jessie and her colleague Amanda Rollins. Noah was currently having a sleepover there leaving Olivia free to meet an old colleague/friend for dinner.  
  
The wait gave her time for reflection, an activity that had been in short supply over the years, so much of her life had been act and react. It occurred to her that she honestly felt so content in life for the first time in her life. There had been pockets of time where she had felt loved and accepted, but there was always something haunting her, some parts of her that felt unsettled or unloved. If she was honest with herself there was a strand within her that ran all the way back to childhood that felt unlovable. Without knowing it, Noah had soothed those hurts and made her understand herself better. She knew now what she would sacrifice, and the things she absolutely would not, the ways she would not bend and contort herself for someone else, to be deemed worthy of their love.  
  
It was this state of contemplation that made her miss her dining companion’s approach. A big loss. Watching Alexandra Cabot walk was one of the most indulgent pleasures she had that did not include her son.  
  
With a tight smile and a nod Alex sat opposite her. She knew Alex had been going through some difficulties; rumors of a long drawn out break up had reached Olivia. Olivia gave her a moment to settle, whilst she appraised her friend.  
  
As much as she was hurting for her friend, she always did hope that one day they could try something, and that was much easier if they were both single. They had come close just before Alex went into Wit Sec. There was definite chemistry between them, the genuine respect and affection they had built over the years had not tempered it. In her honest moments she could admit that she had loved Alex for years, almost two decades. There was realness in their interactions that she did not get with most people, either she or the other person had walls up or a façade protecting themselves from others. She and Alex allowed each other to see who they truly were, no facades, no pretenses, no barriers, just honesty, compassion, love. Now was not the time to make a move on Alex, she knew that, now was time for compassion, good wine, and maybe just a tiny bit of trash talking.

“How are you?”

Alex looked up from the napkin she had been smoothing after she sat down. “You know how it is, long unsatisfactory days where you can’t do anything right.”

Olivia gave her a sympathetic smile, “I understand, but I wasn’t really talking about work, I meant how are you doing?”  
  
Alex broke eye contact and looked down, her expression resigned, “You heard then? The rumor mill working at light speed as always.”  
  
“You know how it is Alex, people always love drama when it doesn’t involve them. But…you know I don’t care about the rumors, I want to know if you are doing ok, and either way, I am here for you.”  
  
She watched Alex close her eyes and take a deep breath, she knew that no matter how long they were friends for, revealing inner workings of her relationships was always a vulnerability that she had to brace herself for, she was such a private person that being gossiped about had deeply affected her. The error in judgment that was Jim Steele and the talk that followed was something that Olivia blamed for one of Alex’s lengthy departures from New York.  
  
“I didn’t cheat. I know that’s what people are saying after…after Jim and Robert. But I didn’t cheat on her.”  
  
Olivia didn’t speak but continued to look at Alex, try and make her feel the unconditional, non-judgmental support that was always there for her.  
  
“I do love her, I do. It’s just that the constant berating and not being enough was…exhausting. Maybe I should have found a way to work it out, but I tried so many times to talk to her, and it just ended up with me being on the receiving end of a litany of things that I had done wrong, and what I should change to stop her being so angry at me. The good times were so wonderful, and she is one of the funniest people I have ever met, and just so, so very beautiful….”  
  
Olivia knew there was more coming, now that the dam had been broken, the worst thing she could do would be to interrupt. So instead, she offered a gentle nod, permission to continue, and confirmation that she was listening, hearing what Alex was trying to convey.  
  
“Even with all the love I felt, and I thought this could work, we could be good together and move in, all of the life merging things…there was just too much pain. Every time I thought I understood our relationship the goal posts changed. First we were monogamous, then she was poly, so I should try and understand that. And when I looked into it, and went to a group, that was wrong, I found myself on the end of a tirade that had me crying on the subway.”  
  
That was bad, one thing Alexandra Cabot did not like doing was showing weakness in front of strangers.  
  
“After that, every time I went anywhere with friends I was accused of cheating, I was told I never listened…but I bent over backwards trying to be what she wanted, and nothing was right.  
I am not right for her.  
That is what I finally understood. It would never matter how much I changed and became unrecognizable to me, I was never going to be right.”  
  
Olivia reached over to squeeze Alex’s hand, trying to ground her before the remembrance of hurt became too much.  
  
“We used to talk on Whats App all the time, and a few weeks ago I saw the logo at the top of my phone when I was at work. I had a panic attack at my desk, because I did not want to open it to see what horrible things she would be saying to me now.”  
  
“Sounds a bit like this relationship has left you with PTSD.”  
  
Alex let her gaze meet Olivia’s. Olivia could see the cogs whirring and the very gentle nod to acknowledge that she heard Olivia’s theory.  
  
“You know how some workplaces try to make things so bad that you leave?”  
  
Olivia nodded, “Constructive dismissal, yes.”  
  
“That is what it felt like at times.”  
  
Olivia gave a gentle smile, “Constructive break up, same principle as suicide by cop. No responsibility taken for the result.”  
  
“We would go back and forth between having these really good times, and having so much fun, and then it would all change. I couldn’t cope. I never knew which person was going to be the one I saw and whether or not I could relax or if I needed to protect myself. I didn’t want to let go, but I knew I had to, and I had to stop myself from having any contact because I knew I would cave in, but Liv, I was drowning, I have never experienced anything like this.”  
  
Olivia rubbed her thumb across the back of Alex’s hand to soothe her, “You will be ok Alex, I promise you. It isn’t going to feel like it for a while, but you will. Every second is going to be hard, but soon enough you can look beyond the second you are in, to the moment, to the hour, to the day, and then soon enough it won’t hurt to look ahead and see a different future than the one you had imagined with her.”  
  
Alex dabbed her eyes with the napkin, a clear sign she was at the end of the emotional revelations.  
  
“I have decided that I am going to take at least a year out of dating, just to make sure I am back to being me, I have lost myself too often in the past. I saw on a TV show this concept of a ‘sorbet course’,”  
  
At Olivia’s quizzical look Alex explained the concept, “In order to cleanse your palate between relationships, a one night stand is in order, I may do that, but no dating, not for a year.”  
  
Olivia nodded, “Those are both good ideas, I definitely approve.” She hesitated, an idea coming to her. “How about a year today, so next Halloween, we come back here, have dinner, and it can be the first date after your period of self-reflection and self-care. We know each other, we like each other, and you can be safe on your next first date.” She smiled at Alex to show she meant it.  
  
Alex sat back and studied Olivia’s eyes, finally responding with, “You don’t need to do that Liv, I know you care, but you don’t need to take me on a sympathy date, just because I got my heart broken.”  
  
“Oh, Alex. It’s not a sympathy date. I expect your wittiest repartee, I expect you to be charming and dance me around the floor, sweep me off my feet. We have always had something between us Alex, you know that. If we had given in to it sooner then I think we would have both been hurt, but we are wiser now, we know who each other is. We have trust, we like each other, and we both look at each other the same way.”  
  
A look of slight surprise briefly flashed across Alex’s face.  
  
“I didn’t think you knew.”  
  
“I did, I just wasn’t ready to acknowledge it, to be open about loving a woman, about being the lesbian cop. I still hated so much of myself and my past. But you never looked at me with pity or disgust, you looked at me with affection, and desire…I just wasn’t ready to return them. I am now. I love 100% of you Alex, and I am willing to wait a year, or even longer. You deserve someone who loves everything that you are, and so do I. I have never had someone that accepts me just as I am...the way you do.”  
  
“What if we ruin our friendship? I don’t want to lose you, Liv.”  
  
“You can’t lose me, even if we are not compatible as lovers, you are still my best friend, and I will still have you in my life and be there for you. So, what do you say? Here, same time, one year from now?”  
  
“No.”  
Olivia nodded once, and went to speak, to let Alex know that it was ok to say no.  
  
Alex got there first. “One year from now, we dress up, we go trick or treating with Noah, and then we watch scary movies all night, cuddled up on your sofa in the dark. Deal?”  
  
“Deal.”


	2. A New Beginning?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A request was made to see the date happen, this is sort of a bridging chapter to get to that date

Standing in a cemetery on Halloween morning may not have been Alexandra Cabot’s smartest move, but certainly was not the worst decision she had ever made. Like most people, she had a litany of them throughout her past.  
This was the place that she came to think, to the graveside of her beloved and much missed mother. She had no illusions that her mother was tied to this place, but being here, seeing the headstone engraved with her mother’s name, felt grounding in a way.  
The past twelve months had been the most fulfilling of her life, ever since Captain Olivia Benson made her the offer of a first date a year away.  
At the time her heart had been broken and she had been desperately trying to get through each day with as much dignity as she could. She knew that her ex had been saying hurtful and untrue things about her to their mutual friends and acquaintances. It had been a test for Alex to make herself turn up to work, but she did, she held her head high, met people’s gazes. She knew that she had not done anything wrong. The rumors would have most who didn’t know her personally, and even some that did, believe otherwise.  
Olivia had seen all this, and invited her to dinner, she knew if she went that her compassionate friend would break through the walls and know everything by the end of dinner. She hated using Liv as a therapist, she knew that Olivia took on so many people’s hurts and burdens, Alex had always detested adding to them. Olivia had always been a weakness for her, one that she would not allow herself to have. As much as she had hoped Olivia felt something for her, she only ever heard her speak of liaisons with men, and Alex had kept up the pretense of heterosexuality at the beginning of her career, the past few years, not so much. Connie had put paid to that, she had fallen so fast and so hard for her that her usual resolve of keeping her love life low key went right out the window. So Olivia’s offer of a date a year from their dinner was unexpected, but so very welcome, there had always been very little that Olivia couldn’t talk her into, professionally or personally. She had agreed, with a stipulation that they stayed home after the mandatory trick or treating with Noah, who had somehow, despite not being genetically Liv’s, inherited that sweet, gentle soul.  
Alex could be honest with herself, she was both terrified and excited. She knew they would end up in Liv’s bed, and she had planned accordingly, having been to the salon the previous day. In truth they had almost ended up there a few times over the past year, but Olivia was determined to honor the year Alex said she would remain single. Their dinners, their outings with Noah, their quick coffees at work, whilst ostensibly under the umbrella and guise of friendship, were most definitely a slow courtship. It was a courtship that had definitely wooed Alex to the point of sexual frustration that she was determined to relieve by the end of the night. Noah was once again going to stay over at Amanda’s after a heavy afternoon of trick or treating, Alex was providing them with copious amounts of pizza to offset the sugar high and thank Amanda for leaving them childless for the evening.  
Horror movies were perfect seduction material, scares that led to comforting snuggling, and there was usually enough female nudity to pique anyone’s interest, so she had curated their evening’s entertainment, making sure that the movies were on their streaming service.

It was excitement that had propelled her out of bed so early on a Saturday, needing to at least remember her mother’s comforting presence, even though she could not experience it first-hand. Tonight was going to be the game changer; she knew it was going to be the start of something permanent, a commitment. She had felt it every time Liv had looked at her over the past year; she had felt it with every hand at the base of her back whenever they walked, with every door held open, with every meal prepared for her, and with the openness with which Liv spoke to her. Alex had learned more in the last twelve months than in the previous eighteen years, and she liked all of it. It wasn’t full of sunshine and rainbows, some of it was grisly and heart wrenching, but it was honest and offered to Alex so that she understood who she was becoming involved with. Alex in turn opened doors to her past and heart that had been shut for decades, some things never having been vocalized before, knowing that Liv would be gentle with what she was presented with, most importantly, that she would never use these things as a weapon against or tool to control Alex. Alex felt safe with Olivia, which was astonishing to her, because looking at Olivia made her feel like she was losing her mind with lust at times. She felt wild and untamed, so very far away from her uptight upbringing. In truth, she hadn’t stuck to her no dating rule. To all intents and purposes, they were together, they just hadn’t had sex yet. When anyone asked either of them out, they would tell the other in the spirit of honesty, and there was never a question of them ever saying yes. Alex’s comment about having a one night stand had been promptly forgotten, there was no pressure from Olivia not to, but there was no way Alex would take the chance of anything ruining the potential that had been offered to her.  
Noah had become accustomed to her presence and on the rare weeks or weekends when there was no contact between them, he demanded bedtime stories over face time. Alex felt as though they were building a family, that she was becoming a parent, and she couldn’t wait to get dressed up later in their matching outfits for Halloween later that day. This was her first time trick or treating, something she had only revealed to Olivia a couple of weeks before when they were decorating the apartment. Olivia had understood, that even though their upbringings were so very different, there were some heart-breaking similarities. The squeeze Olivia gave her hand was filled with empathy but not pity, and the past few weeks had been filled with Halloween themed treats to make up for 40 years without.  
It was hard to believe how much her life had changed in a year. Halloween morning a year ago was filled with betrayal, heart break, despair, loneliness and shame. A year on, and it was filled with love and acceptance from two of the sweetest souls she had ever met.


End file.
